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I'll NEVER use needles...
I'll only do it twice a week...
That was me a year ago.
I've now been on Methadone for almost a year. As of January 27th, 2013 I will have been clean of Opiate addiction for an entire year. How did I possibly get to that point...?
About three years ago I was selling Ecstasy, along with Marijuana and Psilocybin Mushrooms. One day a customer of mine didn't have any money, but he said "Well man... I've got percocet... could I give you like... 15 of those for a couple E pills?" Having been curious about opiates for the past year by this point, I looked them up online to make sure the pills he gave me were actually Percocet; and then the deal was done. I got about $150 worth of Percocet for $60 worth of Ecstasy (in my area it was really expensive at the time, and my shit was the BOMB).
My girlfriend (who is now my Wife) and I went upstairs, turned off the lights, laid in bed and I turned on Bush's first album Sixteen Stone. We both had a Coke and we popped two pills each. As time went on we started feeling the drugs kick in. We looked at each other and said "this is what we've been looking for all these years... this is the ultimate drug of all drugs..." After that we popped another two each. So at this point we both had consumed about 30mg of Oxycodone (since the pills were 7.5mg/500mg Oxycodone/Acetaminophen). As we started drifting farther and farther inside our own heads we both realized that we needed to make sure we had a hookup for this for the foreseeable future for those Opiate induced weekends that de-stress you a hell of a lot more than an alcohol binge. About an hour or so later (I had NO perception of time at this point, the only thing I could really judge by was the length of the albums I had gone through, and at this point we had switched to Mechanical Animals by Marilyn Manson) we popped the last three and a half pills each and decided we would lie there until we fell asleep some-6-hours-later.
After this night we ended up getting Percocet from that kid a couple more times until we found out that he had been stealing his Mother's prescription to pay for his Ecstasy. I was pretty infuriated that the kid would do something like that when his Mom had just had surgery of some kind. Anyways, fast forward about three months of us doing Codeine cold water extractions from Tylenol 1 tablets and trying our hardest to find a hookup for pills through somebody we knew so we wouldn't have to head downtown where all the junkies live. At the time, I was frightened of that prospect, although months later, that's exactly where I would be heading to get fixed up every once in awhile. One day our pot dealer stayed around to talk to my Wife for a bit because they had developed a bit of a friendship by this point. Our pot dealer was a female and she had a car so we always got our stuff delivered which I don't have to tell you, is good and bad at the same time when it involves Opiates. My Wife was talking to her and happened to mention that we had been trying to find Opiates for months and we only managed to get hooked up through one of my friends a couple times but could NEVER find Percocet. All of a sudden our dealer grew wings and a halo formed over her head (at least in my mind) and she said "well... I don't have Percocet, but I sell OxyContin which as I'm sure you know is the same thing, only better". I looked at my Wife as she looked back at me at the same time and our eyes lit up like a child on Christmas morning. In fact, I believe I mentioned that exact same thing after she left. The girl said "I don't keep them on me unless I'm heading over to someone else's place to deal to them after, but if you want I'll head home and come back with a couple pills. You interested?" I replied "HELL YES I'M INTERESTED... only problem is we have to hit the bank first..." "OK Well you guys just come with me and I'll stop at the bank for you, and then we can head to my place and then I'll bring you back home."
This girl became our one and only Oxy dealer who we went to for two years. She lived about a two minute drive away so it was way too easy to get it, especially since I also had a car at the time and could pick it up if it was absolutely required. For a year I worked at a GM plant in the weld shop on the production line making the Equinox and Terrain. Every single weekend I would use about $200 and buy 4 pills (they were usually a whopping $50 each, not $20 like a lot of people I know from the States...) and eventually the price went up to $60. Luckily for the first year we were only doing the pills on the weekend. We'd crush them up and sprinkle them on top of pop or juice in a shot glass and down it as quick as possible. This was our ritual until a couple weeks before I went to College for the second time at a private College for Audio Recording Technology.
About two and a half weeks prior to my intro-day at my school where we went in for the first half of the day to meet all the teachers and get some of the class materials etc. we had ordered a box of Insulin syringes. 1cc 27 gauge Monoject's were our very first box, until I started just walking down to a local pharmacy and picking up the cheaper and better (due to the needle being longer) 1cc 27 gauge BD needles. The first Sunday after I had stopped working at the factory, it was our first day to finally try shooting our OxyContin. We watched a couple videos on YouTube and read various sites to learn how to prep the drug for injection and to learn how to actually inject the drug. We grabbed one of my belts to use as a tourniquet and I turned on the song Tourniquet by Marilyn Manson from his 1996 album Antichrist Superstar to begin our journey into shooting drugs. My hands have always been incredibly shaky so I had to have my Wife shoot me up; and she managed to do a pretty good job for being our first time ever doing this.
I immediately learned why shooting up is so ritualized and why you get addicted to the needle itself pretty quickly. When you are watching the needle go into the vein, and you pull the plunger back to see if you've hit the vein, a plume of blood shoots into the beautiful clear liquid that's about to get you high. Every time you do this it feels unbelievable itself because in your head you're saying "SUCCESS! TIME TO GET HIGH!" and there's nothing more satisfying than that, aside from the actual high itself. After all the liquid was plunged into my vein, I felt something that I had been striving for for years with my constant experimentations with drugs. I originally thought MDMA (the most common active chemical in Ecstasy that gives you the feeling of loving everything in the world) was the be-all-end-all of drugs and that I would be doing that once every other week. I'm not an outgoing partier though, I'm a very secluded and depressive person who generally likes only being with one or two people at the most. So the absolute nullification of your entire mind and body coupled with the intense euphoria you get from Opiates was what made me keep coming back for more.
This was when the addiction started though, we had no problems not doing the drug more than just the weekends up until this point. Since I was home and doing nothing for almost three weeks, I had all the time in the world to get blasted out of my mind and nod out into non-existence every single day. Unfortunately this was when I realized I had REALLY fucked up. After doing OxyContin for about eight to ten days straight, I started to notice that I was getting extremely sick on the eleventh day when I no longer had any drugs. I knew withdrawal was a serious issue, but I thought that a few weeks of binging and then going back to being a weekend opiate user would've been fine. Boy was I ever wrong.
My Wife and I tried going without the drug for that one day, and by the time we had to try and sleep, we were so incredibly uncomfortable and sick feeling that there was no other option than to buy another pill. We luckily didn't have too much of an issue maintaining our once a day high between around 5pm - 10pm where we would shoot up and then sleep perfectly fine and have no issues throughout the day, up until we needed our fix again around the evening time. We still kept getting just as high as the day before for months and months until we really started to run out of money. I had spent about $35,000 on OxyContin by this point, I was as far in debt on my credit as I possibly could be; my bank account was at the negative, and my Wife was literally making enough money to pay rent and have one pill for us each day of the week. Our roommate really caused problems though because he would always offer to buy a few pills on the weekend so he could join us. This of course causes your tolerance to raise a bit on the weekend so the high isn't as good until later in the week, and you start to crave more than the one pill a day. Eventually we were completely unable to afford any more pills because I had gotten in an accident with my car (no, I wasn't under the influence and drugs were not the reason for the accident) so I now had to pay for a bus pass every month, which isn't cheap (although cheaper than gas and insurance... not sure how I afforded that shit while doing drugs). My wife also had an issue where her student loans finally went to a collection agency, so we were basically fucked at this point.
With no money, no drugs, no car, and I was flunking out of my INCREDIBLY expensive school; we were both at the point of almost killing ourselves. We were so close to killing ourselves that we went to emerge to try and get admitted to the hospital so we DIDN'T kill ourselves. They wouldn't even take us seriously though and sent us home with some bullshit prescription that's supposed to "curtail" the withdrawal effects. But yeah fuckin-right; nothing curtails the effects of withdrawal other than 100 Imodium pills. This is where we finally went downtown and walked into the Methadone clinic in our city and said "we need help... badly..." This caused us another problem though, they require two weeks before they will accept you into the clinic. By that time we would be completely clean, or dead from suicide. The latter choice would've likely been the case from how incredibly down we were at the time. I finally fessed up to my Dad who had been paying for my schooling until I was finished and had a job to pay him back. I wrote out a long letter so I could read it without completely losing my train of thought and concentration while talking to him on the phone.
While reading this letter it didn't take me long to start balling my eyes out, trying my best to read through my tears streaming down my face and pooling in my eyes. Trying my best to explain that I had to drop out of school and get myself clean, and that my Wife had to do the same thing, but with her job. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to admit in my life. I was basically admitting that I had hit the absolute rock bottom and was a complete failure in my life. I certainly have many reasons to use drugs due to an extremely abusive childhood, along with the death of my Mother at the age of 5 and many other things that ate at me every single day of my life and still do. It's even hard writing this all down because I haven't really thought about how difficult of a time I had when I first started getting myself clean... but it has been a world of difference believe me.
I started on the Methadone program on January 27th, 2012. I started at 20mg of Methadone (1mg/ml since it's actually a liquid) which is the default starting dose for everybody, and progressively I went up 5mg a week until I stopped at my current dose of 70mg. I started out downstairs like everybody does, pissing in a cup twice a week, for me it was Tuesday and Friday. You see a doctor who analyses you and checks your blood pressure and other vitals when he raises your dose. During this time you are hauling your ass to the clinic every single morning to get your dose, from between 8am - 6pm (or 7pm if it's Thursday for whatever reason). After three months (approx.) of being completely clean and having no issues on your record (which is INCREDIBLY rare for anybody) you get to go upstairs where you start getting 'carries' which are the carry-home doses so you don't have to go to the clinic every single morning. After three months I was already going upstairs, I cleaned up my act immediately. I really never felt I NEEDED the drug in a psychological sense, it was strictly the withdrawals that forced me to get high every single day. I'm not saying I didn't enjoy getting high every single day, I used to smoke weed on a daily basis from grade 12 until I started using Opiates. Last time I used pot was about a year and a half or two years ago now because it started making me have a panic attack every single time I smoked it, and I would be very uncomfortable for hours until the high was completely gone. Anyway back to the Methadone. Once upstairs you see one doctor once a week instead of two different doctors on two different days. That alone is great, but on top of that you start out with two carries so you don't have to come to the clinic for two days of the week as well. Another huge plus. Both my wife and I were completely clean, but for her she had two false positive tests where Ritalin (of all things!!) showed up in her urine so they were iffy about sending her upstairs until a whole two MONTHS after I had been up there.
After two weeks of the doctor getting to know me, he saw that I really was completely and entirely dedicated to recovery, so he gave me another carry. I already had my six carries within only three more months. I also must mention, they don't give you seven carries since you have to go in to do the urine test once a week still, so they figure you might as well get your dose while you're there. It's kind of a hassle because the line for getting your dose can be quite long, but you have to wait in it to get the carries as well, so it really makes no difference. Now it's been almost a year of being on Methadone, and I've only done opiates three times since then to see if I really can control my use. I have had no issue with use, and I could easily still do it as a recreational drug considering how much of a load of shit I went through being an addict. I don't keep myself around people who sell or do it, so it's hard to come by anyway. I actually don't even have the urge to do it ever either. I will want to pop a few Percocet or an Oxy every once in awhile, but OxyContin was banned in Canada only two months after we got on Methadone (THANK GOD!!!) and we had tried every single opiate from Codeine to Heroin to Hydromorphone etc. and nothing compared to OxyContin to us. The only time out of the three times using in the past year that we actually enjoyed was when we had about five Percocet each (they were the 5mg/375mg Oxycodone/Acetaminophen ones so not as strong as the first time we tried them) and that was a very nice relaxing high; but I didn't feel like I immediately needed to go out and buy a whole bottle the next day.
To conclude this entry though, I just figured I would share my shortened story with whoever may read it and might have gone through the same thing, or have a friend/relative etc. who is/has gone through the same thing as well. I know a lot of people who are stuck using Methadone, and then they get off it and relapse, and they go right back on Methadone over and over again, but I hope there's people like my Wife and I who can get themselves clean and be able to be a normal person again using drugs that they find improve their livelihood without getting addicted to them all over again. I also must add, of the three times using Opiates again, the other two times were using needles again, and I certainly loved that ritual again, but like with the Percocet, we had no problem putting the needle away and not even thinking about it for weeks.
For anybody who thinks they have no way out, and for people who think Methadone is so bad because of a lot of the negative claims made about it (and a lot of them are completely false) I really would suggest giving Methadone a chance. It has helped me deal with my addiction and allow me to have the time to get into therapy and try and alter my behaviour so I can avoid the triggers of the intense stresses that lead to the addiction in the first place.
Good luck to all who are in recovery! If anybody wants to send me a message or an e-mail, feel free. I would love to talk to anybody who has questions about the Methadone program, or anything Opiate/Recovery related. I'd love to be a help to anybody who needs it. Even if you are trying to shoot up for your first time and need to know tips on how to do it to make sure you don't kill yourself or end up needing to chop off a limb, I'd much rather answer your questions so you avoid any of those problems. I very much advocate the belief that a person of the age of majority in their country should be able to do what they want in the privacy of their home. I would love to be able to grow Opium in my garden so I could smoke some every now and then. But aside from that, I don't condemn people for their choices. Sure I could say "NO DON'T SHOOT THAT SHIT, IT'S ADDICTIVE, LISTEN TO MY STORY" but I didn't listen to people's advice when I was asking my questions on forums; unless it was advice related to my topic of course. Condemnation just makes people feel outcast and makes them want to use that much more. If they would just make drugs legal and teach proper use, proper drug etiquette and control the drugs like Heroin so people are killing themselves from cutting agents; and also teach people how to dose properly to make sure they aren't overdosing and killing themselves from that as well, we would see a major drop in drug related deaths and also see a major reduction in crime due to smuggling/manufacturing and cartels for drugs such as Cocaine, Methamphetamine and Heroin. But hey, it'll never happen in my lifetime. I might just move to Columbia, they've decriminalized Pot and Cocaine, who knows, maybe Heroin will be next!
- Andrew Morritt
The Story of the Origin of My Use of Theta as a Name
Back in 2004 I started to really want to get into electronic music composition. I barely even listened to techno to a vast degree; I had every DJ Sharpnel album on my iPod and I think DJ Tiesto's In Search of Sunrise 1 + Parade of Athletes. My electronic music collection has grown exponentially since that time to the point of actually owning Parade of Athletes Part 1 and 2 on Vinyl, along with Deadmau5's 4x4=12 and a few others. As a side note, I must say; nothing compares to vinyl. I am a huge supporter of digital music and all things regarding new technologies, but I love LPs so much that it's the only actual hard medium of music I will buy now.
Back to the point of this post. Throughout 2004 I was trying to learn Fruity Loops 5 (at the time I don't think they had adopted the Studio part of the name). I started out using the basic sequencers and loops that came with the software because I had no idea how to truly use MIDI to it's full potential; or even to a light degree since I didn't even have a MIDI keyboard at the time.
As 2005 was rolling around I had compiled my 28th track of very basic techno-y style music. It began getting more complex but I didn't have anywhere near the required knowledge to create the kind of sound that I wanted to. This led to the creation of a very mellow song that was found 7 minutes into an old track I had called Off-Ramp. This was the 14th song to my first "album" and it was originally called Desolation Hold, but as time went on I began creating more music in this slow, ambient, depressing style which I started honing in on more and more. After I had created enough crappy techno I finally began compiling my first album "Sequence" which actually has a couple of songs included on my NG page. Songs like "Winter" (Originally titled "Neverwinter Nights") and "M.O.M. (More on Morality/Mentality) had their names changed various times due to input from other people and my own preferences changing over time.
Winter was truly a new style that I had embarked on though. It was January 1st, 2006 and I was hungover like crazy; and at the time I was not a very happy person. It took until the age of 13 to really start realizing certain things in my life weren't normal like most of my friends and other family members even. My Mom died when I was only 5 and this had an affect on me of course, but I had never actually sat there and thought "I'll never have a Mom, when I have a wife she won't have a Mother-in-Law, I'll never actually have someone to care for me in that same way that a Mother does" blah blah blah. This continued to eat at me more and more since I had moved away from my hometown for grade 8 and it took until late Grade 11 for me to really stop focusing on all the negative aspects of my life and think "hey, I have plenty of good stuff in my life to think about and look forward to at least". During this time I was bombarding myself with literature about numerology, mythology and other insane things, and this began to influence my ideologies at the time; and in a big way impact the way I thought about music.
Early on in grade 10 when I was taking math, we began working on trigonometry and started using Theta as the place holder for numbers which needed to be solved. Using sine, cosine and tangent laws began making me think about how these things also related to synthesis and I began looking into binaural sound waves. I downloaded many programs which attempted to create meditative feelings to help with insomnia and many other natural ailments which a lot of people suffer from. I began realizing that the ones that helped me the most were called Theta waves.
This became the birth of Theta and really made sense with the music I was creating at the time, because as Theta waves helped me sleep, so did my music. As the years went on, I started getting happier and more content with life; and it was very clearly apparent in my music as well. As 2008 was rolling around I was working on Essence which includes songs like "In A Memory" and " Essence (Remix)" which were more happy styles of ambient and more-so styles of electronica and even techno.
Now I create techno/trance/house/dark ambient/electronica/ambient/classical and am even starting to work on doing sound for games, movies and doing production in school which has really inspired my music a lot more as well.
That's an incredibly shortened story but oh well, I'm sure it isn't of much interest to most people anyway!
It's been about three years since I've posted on here and I decided to put this on as my front-page news clip since nothing from before really suits how I am now.
In September I'm starting school at OIART (Ontario Institute of Audio Recording Technology) and I will be there for 11 straight months of school to learn everything that most people would learn in three years of university. Throughout the year I'll be making tons of music and posting it for shits. I really don't like Newgrounds for posting music due to the insane amount of 10 year olds who have absolutely no idea what good music is, or at least have any kind of acceptability of original ideas. They all want dubstep, gangster rap, and this ridiculous new style of deathcore that I don't really understand.
Being someone who has been sucked into liking every "popular" genre of music through public school and high school I understand that "it's what everyone listens to" but that mentality really needs to dissipate. It made sense in the '60's when everyone loved The Beatles because well.... they were AMAZING and they had a completely and entirely new style of music to bring to the world. Then with Zeppelin in the late '60's and early '70's there was another brand new style of rock that blew everyone away, and due to their incredible talent it was no wonder they were able to sell over 74,000 tickets for one single show at a point in their career. The other thing that started in the underground was the analog synthesized styles of techno which made their debut. From something like The Popcorn Song by Hot Butter in 1972. With the '80's music was starting to disintegrate into "what sells is what's good" but that didn't come until a little later in the decade with New Wave music. The "Big 4" started here with Slayer, Metallica, Megadeth and Anthrax giving a new intensity to rock that wasn't really found before with double bass, intense solos and heavy riffing that had everyone banging their heads to the music. By the '90's it was really starting to get bad in the music scene. This is the heavily MTV influenced decade which only became worse and worse over time. Being a '90's kid though, I love grunge music. I was born in 1991 right around the birth of Nirvana and the growing popularity of some of my favourite bands such as: The Smashing Pumpkins, Alice In Chains, Pearl Jam and Soundgarden. It's ironic that my favourite drugs are all opiates as well which really must be semi-influenced from this era. By the end of the '90's Grunge was known as Post-Grunge with Foo Fighters being the main proprietor of this, and some consider Bush to be Post-Grunge as well due to their first album debuting around the same time Kurt committed suicide. I don't really understand why the death of Kurt created an almost religious-like stance on a genre of music calling it Post-Grunge similar to BC and AD for how we consider it to only be 2011 right now... which also makes no sense since the planet has been around for BILLIONS of years. As we got into the 2000's it was evident that anything popular sucked and the era of Emo/Scene began... this to me was the death of music. The only bands I really enjoyed in this era were Thornley (thanks to Ian Thornley keeping the alternative sound of Big Wreck since he wrote basically everything for that band) and other bands who had been around for years prior. A great album that rebirthed a great band for me was United Abominations by Megadeth. Heavily political like a lot of their other stuff, but extremely well done. This was also the death of one of my absolute favourite metal bands of all time; Metallica. It was impossible to listen to St. Anger and think it was the same band. Everyone who listened to this and was appalled at how bad it was will remember that beer keg sounding snare for the rest of their lives I'm sure.
Finally my faith was somewhat restored in music again when people started realizing some of my favourite music of all time: TECHNO! There have been random hits through the past few decades that came and went, but none of them ever popularized the genre until a guy who I hope anyone reading this knows. DJ Tiesto. I still call him DJ Tiesto too, because I've listened to him so much before he removed the DJ from his name that it's impossible to forget his origin. Oddly enough he doesn't have any hits that are played really anywhere, but groups like Lady Gaga and the sad influx of Dubstep have created a huge group of listeners of techno lately and everyone eventually finds DJ Tiesto. Oddly enough most of anyone you talk to who listens to techno mentions Tiesto as one of the first names they've heard of. Anyways, this was basically a rant on the decades of music that I classify as important. Fuck Elvis... I really don't understand what is so great about his music... I am a huge fan of all genres and works in the music world but that is one guy I don't understand. I like Big Band even, and I love Jazz and Blues, along with Classical, Fusion, Baroque, ANYTHING other than Elvis. The '50's have to be my least favourite decade of music by far. But before I go ranting on again, I hope you enjoy my music... and over the next few years I am also working on a book. I'm not sure if I'll give any info about it until I really know it's got a possibility of being released, but it is definitely interesting, and the concept is one that I don't think has been done successfully ever before.
2 different versions. Snowscape is an album which was inspired by this song and title. Mother Nature is a beautiful thing and it must be preserved, although I do nothing to help this. Snowscape on Oceanic (the second album) is the original version, I took out the guitar solo for the newer album because I thought the track underneath sounded great on it's own. It also suits the album more.